Red Pill in Love: How to Develop Long-Term Love Relationships (and why)
Love is in the air. When a leading figure in the manosphere gets married in tropical paradise, you know change is afoot. As fresh as the ocean breeze, a message of love floated across twitter and into the universe this past weekend signaling a change in the narrative. We are no longer hyper focused on the notion of sex uber alles. No longer are we afraid to make commitments or be vulnerable, such that we may lose our ‘alpha’ status.
— Jack Murphy (@jackmurphylive) November 21, 2015
Many writers have addressed how to attract the women you want. But attraction and status aren’t the final destinations – the real issue becomes what to do once you’ve arrived.
Game, mindset, lifestyle, fitness – the minimum cost of doing business today.
Success in these areas is merely an entry ticket into the real world of relationships with the right mindset. Men suffer from either a lack of training or outright misinformation growing up, usually experience some sort of crisis and the lucky ones find the red pill and manosphere online. Only then does the healing begin and the rebuilding of one’s self into a competitive man can really commence.
But, this process doesn’t end once you’ve got style, a great career, and are fit. Knowing how to move a woman from stranger to bed to girlfriend is only part of the bigger picture. We’re not all going to be 25-35 years old forever. We’re not all going to be single forever.
Experienced players know that ennui and boredom can settle in.
Eventually, you meet and bed every archetype of female there is. There’s not that many. It gets old. It becomes more work than it’s worth. There is only so much depth one can have with a one-night stand or a one-month mini-relationship or even a medium term ‘casual’ thing.
As we continue to improve our mental health and well being, we also raise our status and increase our own intrinsic value. Using this newly found power solely to continue to bang chicks sells a realized man short.
Eventually, no matter how hot she is, sex with a new woman delivers less of a return. Novelty gets old. That’s your body telling you the truth. You should listen to it.
It’s time for some harsh truths about being a man:
A man cannot be fully realized without a family
All traditional societies expect their male leaders to have families. Monogamous, polygynous or otherwise, all cultures simply assume those who lead the way will have children. Children are a sign of investment in the community and an investment in the future of society. Children are themselves a signal of your value.
If you’re a man of status, you have a responsibility to reproduce such status in the forms of sons and daughters who will spread your winning ideas and genes. Yes, responsibility. Men are beasts of burden. We thrive when providing. Providing for no one but yourself leaves you incomplete.
Humans have a visceral reaction to the family-less adult male with no home or roots in the community. The stereotype of adult bachelors being somehow flawed comes from within us as animals. A man who hasn’t reproduced must somehow be broken. A man with no family obviously has issues.
The manosphere as a community has worked to dispel that stereotype as it created an acceptable model for men to operate within as they developed. Tearing down the notion of bachelor as a flawed human made sense at the time, as it made sense to tear down all the assumptions and demands made by the blue pill feminine narrative. We needed to collectively rebuild our own expectations and demands of ourselves from within.
Yes, early manosphere writing threw out all the shaming techniques of the feminine imperative, as it was necessary to create our own system and rules germane to us as men following a masculine imperative. However, time has passed and we’re all a little bit older and presumably wiser, more nuance is needed.
Some of the old rules actually made sense and we should adopt select ones as our own. Being 45, childless, wifeless, and family-less is not a sign of success as a man, it’s a sign of unrealized potential, no matter how hot the girls you date are.
Another truth the manosphere needs to hear:
Love is the only currency that matters
Mike broke the ice by getting married, which followed on the heels of his “I am not an alpha” post. Roosh follows up the wedding with a post on Love, where he acknowledges its value and existence while warning you to beware of love denialists.
And now I’m here telling you love is the only thing that really matters.
What is love?
An impossible question to answer, best left to the poets and philosophers but there are some practical working definitions we can use.
Love for a partner as I see it comes in two forms. Passionate Love and Companionate Love.
Jonathan Haidt sums it up best in his fantastic book The Happiness Hypothesis (get it here):
“Passionate love is a drug. Its symptoms overlap with those of heroin and cocaine. It’s no wonder: Passionate love alters the activity of several parts of the brain, including parts that are involved in the release of dopamine…if passionate love is a drug – literally a drug – it has to wear off eventually.”
Passionate love is that seemingly uncontrollable desire found in early phases of relationships, usually up to 6-18 months. This is the love that coined the phrase “Madly in Love.”
Yes, it makes you literally insane for a time period. If you’ve felt it, you know exactly what I am talking about. Even as you think you’re acting normal, biology changes your brain and body such that you practically physically need the other person. It is what fuels those sex romps where you close the door to the apartment and never leave for the weekend. It is a deep yearning. Hot as fire.
Companionate love, on the other hand, is a different animal:
“Companionate love grows slowly over the years as lovers apply their attachment and caregiving systems to each other, and as they begin to rely upon, care for, and trust each other.
If the metaphor for passionate love is fire, the metaphor for companionate love is vines growing, intertwining, and gradually binding two people together.”
I don’t remember being taught there were two different kinds of love.
Media and art seem to portray only the passionate love as being real, whereas companionate love, which builds over time rather than burns out brightly, gets little attention. The quick insane burn of passionate love is much more interesting than developing caregiving systems and trust for your partner.
Passionate love burns out, while companionate love builds over time. It also takes skills.
Here are two charts from Haidt’s book:
As you can see here, Haidt shows how on a short time scale, passionate love looks to be far superior to companionate love. It comes on fast and strong, though it fades quickly.
Companionate love is waaay down there building very slowly.
In this chart, Haidt shows how on a longer time scale, companionate love far outperforms passionate love. Utility grows over time, consistently leading to a long-term outcome with far more over-all utility to the participants. I mean lovers.
Where our modern relationships often fail is in managing the danger points he shows on the graphs. As the passionate love peaks and begins to decline, relationships face stress.
People begin to wonder if they were ever truly in love as the “fog of love” begins to lift. Your sense of sanity comes back and it might even feel like you’re coming out of a cloud. Or off a cloud as it were. You’re no longer “falling” in love.
The height of passionate love is a major danger zone. It’s the craziest and stupidest you’re going to be. This is when people elope. This is when people move in together after just a few months. This is when people decide to have a baby even though they shouldn’t. This is when people get tattoos of their lover’s name etched into their body.
Bad decisions get made at the height of passionate love because your body is tricking you. Your body is pumping you full of chemicals to get you to fuck that girl and fuck her a million times, in hopes of getting her pregnant, even if you don’t want to consciously.
The other danger zone he points out is when the passionate love crashes and you’re left wondering just what the hell you were doing. That’s when otherwise good relationships with quality people get thrown out the window because the “spark” is gone, or due to some sense of a diminished energy.
Love is a risk, it can trick us into thinking the person I’m passionately in love with is a good candidate for long-term companionate love. Passionate love is sneaky, it can bind you to a woman who doesn’t deserve it. Passionate love tells you sweaty sex fests and intoxication caused by her mere smell are signs of long-term success. On their own, they are not. They are merely your body reacting to the chemicals your brain releases, compelling you to procreate.
All men should be aware of these danger zones no matter their goals. If you want to stay single and childless, especially be mindful of the peak of passionate love – that’s when you’ll do the dumbest shit.
For the family minded, the most relevant danger is when passionate love crashes and companionate love hasn’t fully matured.
You must be aware of the expected drop in ‘passion’ and learn to guide it into the long-term relationship you wish to have.
Check out the two graphs again. The curve with the most area underneath has the highest value.
Which curve is that?
Is it passionate love with its quick peak and crash?
Or is it companionate love, the slow and steady gainer?
Companionate love gives more returns to the rational male who seeks to maximize the investment of his time and energy.
So, what do we do with this information?
A man must have a family to fully realize his potential. A man must have a family to be a leader in his community. A man must have a family to ensure his legacy will continue. Do you have a legacy worth continuing?
Love is how a man gets this legacy. A man must love himself, his woman (or women), his children and his fellow man.
Love is the most valuable currency because it is the key to unlocking one of the greatest achievements there is: to be the Patriarch of an established, successful family.
We, as self-actualized independent men, must acquire the skills needed to manage love, its various phases and its inflection points – no matter your goals.
Passionate love happens. Companionate love is cultivated.
We, as independent men, must also learn how to screen during those months of passion for women who are suitable for the long-term love affair. It is insufficient to trust our basic instincts when choosing a long-term partner. The downside is too big.
No matter your goal, risk management or relationship cultivation, we need a set of tools to assist us.
I’ve already written about ways to know if your girl is a keeper.
Next, I’ll share with you the toolbox I’ve developed over time to aid me in my love relationships, both developing and maintaining them.
Just like we constantly self-reflect on our personal lives, we too must reflect and tinker with our love lives. For that we need tools.
Love is lost without a toolbox.
What are your thoughts on love? Where are you in your process? Are you struggling with how to manage long-term relationships? Post comments and questions below.