Red Pill in Love Part II: How to Cultivate and Manage Love Relationships (and why)

Red Pill In Love Part II: How to Develop Long-Term Love Relationships (and why)

This is Part II in a Series.  Please read Part I first!

Red Pill in Love

In Part I (click here), I explained why today’s fully realized man should seek long-term love relationships.  Not only do they return more overall lifetime utility and provide for the deepest explorations of sex and intimacy, they offer a man the chance to reach his highest and best use, as a Patriarch of an established, successful family.  Being the head of the table surrounded by those you love and support is a uniquely satisfying feeling, only found as father and leader.

Even if being a dad isn’t on your radar, long-term love relationships offer the best chance for supporting a successful life, a life which can be on your terms, with your mission as the primary goal.

Like all good things, work and effort are required to successfully bring love into your life.  Optimizing relationships for success takes advanced planning along with frequent monitoring.  Complementing this with a developed set of skills will increase your odds of success. 

Make no mistake, entering into relationships today can be risky and dangerous.  Many think the risk/reward relationship has shifted too far in the wrong direction, resulting in the rational choice being abstaining from marriage, long-term girlfriends or love in general, much less choosing to reproduce with someone.

No-fault divorce, the chance of losing your kids and your money, and being tied to a woman you hate is a real possibility.  Entering into a relationship with risks like these while you’re not at your maximized best is a mistake.  This applies to long-term relationships without marriage as well.  They take plenty of time and energy investment, even without the legal entanglements.  Not to mention the emotional risks of being vulnerable and open.

The risks and downsides are high either any way you look at it. 

However, I’m here to tell you I think we can both improve our negotiating position and shift the odds in our favor with planning, foresight and developing actual relationship skills designed to meet our needs as men in particular.  I don’t mean sham skills meant to subdue us further to the feminine imperative, either.  Tropes such as “happy wife happy life” or a “woman knows best”isn’t what I am talking about.  I mean goal oriented, male-focused, red pill advice for relationships. 

Advice for men from men – about love.

The Three Keys

1) Maximize your value. 

How to raise one’s status has been covered across the manosphere.  Game, fitness, lifestyle – all of these must be maximized before considering a long-term relationship.  Maximize your value so to obtain maximal value in return.  The work is hard and takes time, no lie.  But you gotta do it.  Every man can increase his relative status with effort and focus.  This will likely be somewhere in your 30’s, maybe even late 30’s.  Its definitely not in your 20’s. Do not get married or commit to a long-term love relationship in your 20’s.

For me, when all my indicators were green and my value was reaching its highest points, the Game became boring.  It was boring because it was easy.  I could go out and meet a woman on the street or online in a matter of moments.  Getting them from stranger to lover became no problem.  I didn’t even have to pipeline anymore, because I understood how women worked, how the game worked and how to utilize my value to my advantage.

Mastery of the game is a sign its time to look for more.  When the ennui and boredom set in, its both a sign of you finishing the bang game and being ready for the love game.  No, just one more girl won’t make a difference.  The result will be the same. 

Once your value is developed, its time to start considering the next level.  For that, we need to separate the potential winners from the pack and make our choice(s) wisely.

2) Filter prospects hard. 

A man who has maximized his status will be the one making the decision to enter into a long-term relationship.  Higher status means more choices, choices mean being more selective, and being selective is an essential component to long-term success.

In real estate, we used to say that you make your money on the purchase price, not the final sales price.  Making a smart buying decision drives the eventual outcome not only in real estate but in love as well.  Filter hard when dating and screen for characteristics that will suit long-term success. 

A good starting point is here:  12 ways to know your girl is a keeper

That article just scratches the surface of how to screen for the right long-term lover.  In future posts, I’ll talk more about understanding her position in life, her relationship with her parents/family, and her attachment mechanisms.  All of these work together to shape her personality and approach, which in turn drives compatibility.  But for this article, I want to focus on the skills you need to bring this love to fruition and keep it burning as long as you’d like. Thus:

3) Develop a relationship toolbox. 

Love is lost without a toolbox.  All relationships require maintenance and some amounts of crisis management.  Developing and sharpening your skill set will help you overcome many of the normal relationship problems and help you evolve your relationship towards a more rewarding, less stressful and easier to manage state.

Sounds like a tall order, for sure. But because the downside risks are so great we’re seeking to maximize return and mitigate risk.  As such, standards must be high and thresholds difficult to reach.

Difficult but not impossible.

Jack Murphy Live Red Pill In Love Tool Box

The Tool Box

Our toolbox for love and relationships not only helps us cultivate our vision from idea to bloom but also helps us maintain it once we’ve got it.  Relationships and love itself take regular maintenance, reflection, and utilization of operational skills to ensure success. 

It may sound like a lot of work, and it may be, but it is worth it. 

Remember from Part I, companionate love provides more utility to the rational male then passionate love.  Any fool can fall in love, but it takes special effort to guide it through the danger zones and into the long-term, high-reward superior that is companionate love.

After you’ve increased your status and screened hard for the right kind of woman, what skills do you need to guide this thing to the promised land of highest utility?

I deconstruct what has worked for me and I outline them here.  Some are actual skills, others are perspectives and frames to hold.  Some apply to you, some are requirements you should seek in her, and some you must jointly share. 

This isn’t some ivory tower theory, this is hard-fought wisdom.  I learned what not to do vividly.

Without further ado:

1) Be Resolution Oriented

Have you ever known people who want to fight all the time?  Or like to hold grudges?  Well, life is long, and grudges and resentments are a slow-acting poison for a relationship.  Some people are just slanted towards conflict, while seemingly precious few are peace seekers.  Avoid those who feed off of negative energy.  You both must be resolution oriented, meaning, when there is conflict your first desire to is to resolve any anger or break down in intimacy. 

Conflict or disharmony can create uneasiness in both of you.  Seek to squash beefs quickly and with as little conflict as possible. 

Being resolution oriented vs. conflict seeking is perhaps the single best indicator of relationship success.

When my girlfriend first said, “what can I do to make this better?” I was floored. 

Both of us would rather just stop and hug each other than continue on with any conflict.  It’s not always that easy, but we find a way to resolve things.  Sometimes it’s by direct communication, other times just by being quiet and letting things simmer down, other times it’s by me bending her over suddenly and fucking her really good.  Whatever works, just get shit resolved.

2) Watch what you say, it can never be unsaid

Fights happen.  Tempers flare and things get said.  Just make sure it’s not something you regret.  Easier said than done, but always be aware of the long-term effects of your words. 

One single statement made in anger can drown out a hundred thousand sincere I love you’s. 

People don’t forget the things that hurt the most, they just kind of, maybe, like, ‘get over it.’ Enough bad things said and apologized for will corrode even the truest of loves.

Early on in our relationship, my girlfriend was quiet during a disagreement.  I tried to get her to speak up.  She demurred, saying she was being careful with her words because they can never be unsaid.  Her thoughtfulness was striking and quite a change for me.  It inspired me to do the same as well.

Both parties must wish to err on the side of saying too little rather than saying too much.

3) Be uplifting as opposed to breaking the other down 

For me, seeing the positive growth in my kids, my employees and my partner is one of the most rewarding things in life.  I want them all to grow and evolve and it’s my job to support them.  The Patriarch position comes with responsibilities, like any leader, and this is one of them.  Folks under your care and guidance must grow and prosper.  Lift all boats with the tide of your support.

As far as her responsibility, its all about her supporting my mission.  Whether it’s a new project at work or trying to write articles like this, she is always there supporting me 100%.  She looks out for my needs, anticipating things I need.  She has words of encouragement when necessary, and in a few isolated cases, a little kick in the pants.

She is my biggest fan.  She thinks I’m the hottest.  She thinks I can do anything I set my mind to. And she never hesitates to tell me.  For me at least, writing brings out my worst insecurities and she pushes me right through them.

We’ve all seen the relationships where one half just chips away at the other’s confidence.  They nag, demean, or insult in subtle or overt ways more than they lift you up.  Avoid these people at all costs. 

Negative, nasty people suck you in, break you down and make you weak so you won’t have the strength to leave them.

Supportive lovers try to improve the other through love, actions, and words.

Make each other better every day.

4) Compromise on the margin 

A man must put his mission first above all else.  If that’s a career, a passion, kids, whatever – his mission comes first and she is there to support him in those efforts.  A man must never yield on this.  A woman that tries to nudge, shove, or derail you is one you should avoid.

Compromising your mission, or worse, making your girl your mission will shatter your frame and reduce your standing in your soon-to-be ex-lover’s eyes.  Holding ground here is essential.

That being said, learning to compromise on the margins will enhance your peace and stability.  In moments of disagreement, ask yourself, will this hurt my core mission?  Will it hurt who I am as a person?  If not, then let her have it. Give in at minor moments which will make her happy. 

Jack Murphy Live Red Pill in LoveIf she wants to go see her family this year at Thanksgiving instead of hosting at your house like you want, its ok, host next year.  It’s not going to keep you from your goals, and it will give her something she needs.

If she tries to monopolize your time and energy distracting you from your goals, forget about it, put your foot down.

Bend but don’t break. 

5) Be self-aware

Self-awareness comes with maximizing your value as you can’t do one without the other, but it is important to note its value in a relationship.  Check in with your own behaviors.  Ask yourself, is my behavior helping or hurting our relationship?  Is my mood lifting up those around me?  Am I the best I can be right now?

I recently went through some work stress as I transitioned from one job to the next.  I had successfully completed a multi-year project and was looking for the next gig.  Not having a clear mission made me miserable.  My miserableness spread to our relationship.  I wasn’t able to give as much of my energy as I normally had.  I was withdrawn and negative.

It put a lot of stress on us.  I had to go deep into my own world to figure out the next steps. It took me a couple of months to come up with a new plan.  In the meantime, I was periodically a real dick.  Our relationship was put to the test.

But, I knew the stress we were going through was temporary.

When I was younger and dumber, I could have seen myself breaking up with her at that time.  

One day she asked me if I was going to break up with her.  I told her I knew things were strained, but it was because of my situation.  I knew it would pass.  Once it did, if things between us were still rough then we’d consider next steps.  As I predicted, with my clarity and renewed mission, our relationship stress magically cleared and all was well.

Wisdom taught me to be self-aware and not allow my own shit to cloud my perception of the relationship.  Thank god.  The storm was weathered, and we’re better off for it.

6) Be honest 

This is the most important one of all. Honesty is at the core of every successful life.  Honesty with oneself, honesty with those around you.  Honesty when looking inward, honesty when looking outward.  Keeping it real with yourself and her will set the foundation for long-term success.

Being dishonest may be a shortcut to some answer now, but it sets traps which will explode in your face later.  Presenting a false front to your partner trains her to engage with that lie, which means she isn’t really appreciating you for you.  You will feel dissonance.  You won’t feel like yourself if you live a lie. 

If you want to have an open relationship from the beginning, tell her.  You may lose her, but in the long run, you will be happier, and you will certainly avoid being in a relationship that isn’t true.  If you want to have kids, tell her.  If you don’t, tell her.  If you want her to be a stay at home wife, tell her.  You have got to tell her exactly what you want, as soon as possible, preferably in the screening process, so as to maximize success.

Too many times we’ve seen guys (and ladies) hide their true intentions only to disappoint and be disappointed later. 

Being honest with yourself requires understanding who you even are first.  This is why I recommend waiting until your 30’s at least before embarking on a serious love relationship.  Your 20’s are dynamic and full of change.  Waiting to learn more about yourself allows you to set the honest goals you want to achieve with a relationship. 

Self-awareness, honesty, fearlessness in holding steady – these are required traits to develop before considering allowing a woman to hitch herself to your post.

Jack Murphy Red Pill in Love

Wrap up

These six tools and approaches to a long-term love relationship are just the beginning.  There are other elements to consider such as frame, aligning goals, and dominance. But they are a great start in considering what skills to develop before making the decision to cultivate passionate love into companionate love.

As I said, any fool can fall in love.  It just happens.  Our bodies say, oh yeah let’s mate with this person and next thing you know you’ve spent the last eight months staying in, cooking, fucking and doing little else.  It’s blissful, no doubt about it. 

However, if you want to make the transition to long-term companionate love, the keys and skills above are starting points for that thought process.

You can be red pill in love.  You can invest time, energy and love into a relationship without losing frame.  And since we are rational men who want to maximize potential success while mitigating potential risks, the toolbox I’ve given you here is a great start.

A long-term love relationship will make you happier, healthier, and more fulfilled over time.  It will aid you in achieving your goals, provide you an opportunity to be the leader of a family, and give you a trusted partner for when shit hits the fan in life. Not only that, the sex gets better and deeper over time as trust and intimacy build.  Long-term love is a worthy and attainable goal – it can be yours with just a little work.

Maximize your value, screen hard, use the tools above and you’re well on your way.

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6 comments… add one
  • Dman Nov 30, 2015 @ 16:50

    Aside from #6, I think I have been doing most of the things outlined on your list. I feel a lot of men might poo poo all this because it appears soft at first glance, but every man must understand where his happiness comes from. And after banging X girls is done, which is necessary, it can no longer be a source of real happiness.

    I think in our area LTR’s are kind of discouraged because women suck and all that crap, but really, if you screen properly and apply these principles, you can have an incredibly happy and intimate life with a woman.

    I think if you’re doing the same thing for years and years (e.g. notch collecting), it is a sign that no growth is occurring. This is something Roosh has realized as well, for example.

    Are we too worried about divorce? If you pick the mother carefully, does it matter if you split up? Worst comes to worst, you just have to pay her some money (child support). But we have the knowledge and resources to make more money today than ever before, so is it really a problem? I know that’s maybe a crazy idea.

    • Jack Murphy Nov 30, 2015 @ 18:26

      Excellent comment.

      Divorce is a real thing. I wrote specifically about “long term love relationships” rather than marriage because I’m not so sure about marriage. Making the distinction was important to me.

      I’ve toyed with the idea that in today’s culture, the ultimate life hack might be to have children with one woman, and live with another – on purpose. Separating co-parenting duties and committed relationship has its advantages. Only exploring that notion now though, no official position.

      • Georgia Oct 28, 2019 @ 6:46

        If your wife is submissive and there to please you and support your goals, then living w her under the same roof as the mother of your children and your helper, as one who comes under YOUR patriarchal leadership, then parenting with her isn’t an issue. YOUR goals and rules in all things are her gospel.

  • M Braivo Dec 15, 2015 @ 9:43

    Your theme of being the patriarch really resonates with me. It is those moments when I am leading them in a family tradition and I look at what I’ve created that I feel the most fulfillment. There is something in our very nature that pushes us to lead a family.

    This is one of the most difficult things for a divorced guy to come to terms with. He wants to lead a family, but suddenly he has lost his family. Many guys are quick to remarry and try to reclaim that feeling. This is usually disastrous.

    A post-divorce relationship is tricky, but can be just as rewarding as a first marriage. You have shown this to be possible. I enjoy an excellent relationship where we have no plans to get married. You have laid out a nice framework here, especially #6.

    You make an excellent point as well about age. Most divorced guys think they are used goods when they hit the sexual marketplace again. Not so. I believe mid to late 30s to be a man’s peak SMV years, but the decline is very slow through the 40s. Most divorced guys have a lot more options than they think and a scarcity mentality causes them a lot of trouble.

    • Jack Murphy Dec 23, 2015 @ 9:28

      I’ve learned over time that no matter the visitation schedule, if you put in the energy to be “present” in their life at all times, whether its phone calls, texts, facetime, parent teacher conferences, recitals, birthday parties, coaching their sports, or whatever else – your kids will still feel like their Dad is a presence. But we have to be proactive about it, as they just aren’t around every day to have it happen ‘by accident.’ Thanks for the comment.

  • Don Aug 1, 2018 @ 9:58

    What do you do when you build your partner up and then….she flees ? When you take her from scratch and rise her ? So that she become what you wanted for you, for your kids ? How can you build up another one ? How can you pass this ? Because it’s terrifying….And yes, divorced, two kids …. Excelent comment about the chosed mother, it makes you thing another way around….

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